new year?

Another new year, with what? I want to write goals, and hope to make things better for me and others. But, making things better for others means coming to grips with disappointments in my own life. I wrote an article about my 20 years in Alaska yesterday. Is it solitude or isolation? I never thought of it that way before. I am a social person. I have had doors shut on me, even though when I moved here, I wrote a poem about something like going upstairs and seeing light and the door opening. That idea of who I was and I could be was empowering in 1991 when I felt connected, and on top of the world. And now, I am this haunted, strange person who does not know what to do, and isn't sure where I am headed. Today, things were a little strange, when it took forever to get to the chiropractor, and I never finished the nuts, but had cookies and some candy and hot cider, and then had to use the facilities, and had 30 seconds with the chiropractor. I let it go, and the bus took forever to get there, and then he was busy and I had to wait when I usually do not have to. I forgot to schedule a ride for an appointment I had on Wednesday. I got back for a class on the internet with Higher Balance. I just seem not to care about anything or anybody. I can have ideas, and let things go better, but is it hopelessness or letting go? I don't know. Solitude, solace, or isolation? Lonely or alone? These are interesting ways and perspectives taht are set before us like setting a table. The pall hangs over us like being lulled lured or overtaken by an undertow, and pushes us under, or like we are luring in a fish instead of being an observer and quiet and calm. I would love more connections, more love, friends, more possibilities next year. Am I still looking for approval and recognition? I saw someone at the VA that I had known from peer counseling. I knew his name sounded familiar. Earlier this week, at our Christmas dinner, I could not remember who Elvi Gray-Jackson ran against. Perspective is definitely interesting. I did remember that someone I had seen the name of in 1991 was a reader for me every week for bills and such. Well, enough for now. koraling Lynne

20 years

If anyone had asked me if I would be here 20 years, I would never have believed it. Dan said I would be here maybe three to five, and I wonder what he is doing now. My son said he is on Facebook, and never answered his friend request. I just fall asleep at any time of the day, and feel weak. No one warned me about this stuff, and chronic diseases, and pain, and if I ate right, and did not take drugs, I'd be better off than if I did. I believe my body can heal better, and we'll see. Koraling Lynne

Sleep and time

When I was peer counseling yesterday, the time just sped by. Both of us were amazed. What is more amazing is that we're on the same journey of self-discovery in many ways. I slept for three hours, because I hardly slept on Sunday night, and awakened just ten minutes before we traded time and my peer counselor buddy came to the door. I slept all afternoon. Then I made sure I slept last night, but I awakened every hour. Koraling Lynne

20 years

Today, it is the 20th anniversary of my coming to Alaska, namely Juneau. I remembering entering the air space and how different the air was.
It was so quiet, one could hear a pin drop. Has Alaska been good? Well, I never had the health problems I have had or the dysfunctionality of things since coming here. I did have adventure, triumph, adversity, and great experiences. I think I should go sometimes. Many older people do leave for "greener pastures" and graze somewhere else. I guess it's not time yet, but health practitioners I have here, as I did when I was leaving california, but then I did not have a house (condo) nor a husband, and I was freer to leave, though I had ties, or cords, and all that and now ... I wonder if I'll ever work again for money.
Okay, Steve, I hope this is easier on the eyes in paragraphs and not jumbled together. Koraling Lynne
I don't want to be dissuaded from the good work I can do here for other people.

more musings

I finished the newsletter lastnight, and I don't have the energy I used to have. It snoed again, and was as low as 7 degrees. I had wanted to accomplish this, and though I could not find updates about blindness I wanted to paste in there. However, what I did put in there was good news and all. Koraling Lynne

a good week

As the spiritual or higher consciousness Higher Balance hbinavigators site is now hbigalaxy.com, I updated the profile, and realized how much I am connected to all sorts of people in the spiritual site. I realize that certain things about the profile I had written last year no longer applied as with certain groups and practices I wanted to do, and did not feel so much on the sidelines. Yesterday, we had steak, potatoes and later salad, and it was good. Our land lines are not working, and thank goodness, that means that I can phone the phone company about interference from the radio. I finally got in touch with one of my HBI friends (Higher Balance Institute) and it was good to speak to her today on Christmas Day. One of our good friends phoned us, but he could not reach us by phone, since they don't work. We tried all of them. Is there something outside the house that got messed up? I don't know. However, the starting of this tread was that I noticed how much I have grown with the spiritual side of my complex nature, and now I can check out the phone problem interfering with phones and Skype. Life coaching, and wisdom that I now have and share it's all good, and working on myself is good. I have so much love and caring, and one of the guests said we had so much to say in our varied experiences she had little to share. As I said, I felt as if I spoke too much, and our hosts were getting tired, and needed to take out the dog. One of the guests wanted to see our dog again, and asked if anyone was walking her. I also explained that unlike any other disability, blind people have communication, mobility and daily living deficits. We spoke about how Alaska had misused the law and that we needed legislation to fix the misapplication of federal law, and why the law was necessary in 1936 with the Randolph-Sheppard Act. Before that, blind people were making brooms, or when I was young, they might be selling lightbulbs, or parents would say that ehy could or would not hire disabled people if they were hiring authorities. I said that the federal government had a hiring quota and no other group had a 2% quota. I feel as if it will be a great year. I have been so blessed, and things can improve. My husband has such good ideals. that is good. Healing is good. I did meditate this morning. Love yourself better than anyone else so that you can spread it out to others. Accepting yourself is so important and letting things go. Stress is harmful, and I said today that the hosts and "cooks" could just relax and take their time. Our dog stayed here tonight, and at first last night my husband said to lead the dog to bed when I went to bed, and I said I'd sleep in the spare bedroom, so the dog would not get angry, my husband would not angry at begin awakened and i would not be angry at both of them or the dog and then he'd get angry. That worked. He said that the dog would go to his middle son if anything happened to him. We spoke about medical costs here and in Mexico, and how certain companies should not exist, as I think insurance companies are superfluous. One of our friends think it is criminal about some companies with power and greed lording it over tohers. We must learn from history, if we only taught it. We spoke of unions, and we spoke about the Sheraton. Indeed, I reminded people tonight that when people talk about unemployment, we always have an employment problem. Koraling Lynne

wonderful visit

Right now, The Sound of Music is playing again. I'm trying to do my physical therapy exercises. We had a wonderful visit and wondeful food and relaxed visit (though I don't know if they were) and they seemed to have fun with Kayla and Max, at their house, Mary (who I had never met) and Chris's new dogs, and Kayla and Max's adopted dog, and seeing Chris again was great. Politics, family, classic books with Sartre, Camus and a friendly discussion about Samuel Beckett and had he written "Waiting for Godot" which I pronounced he had done, but Chris said someone else had done so, maybe Camus or Sartre. We spoke about my cousin and his resemblance to me because he is famous as a star in the more seemy side of film, but he had been at my house in Los Angeles when my son was small and my husband said that my son is close to him. He is interesting because his work had been in special education and going from that to the industry which I disdained, even as he is my first cousin, and funny, garrulous, gregarious, etc. We spoke about unemployment and also how the Depression or whatever the present is would cascade downward, and how religion is devisive, and pronouncing the "I" in devisive as long like"I" (like me, or "I" like "it" as Max said. I said I heard it both ways. More wars have been fought because of religion, and even though I am Jewish, the fact taht religion does not change, although Judaism and Catholism had folk masses in the 1960's, and Protestant denominations sprung up, High HOly Days don't change, although new interpretations are written. I said I am spiritual, and that my husband does not understand the difference between religion and spirituality. My husband spoke about how religion has hurt our Alaska Natives, and I had said earlier today that they were called "savages" etc. We spoke about mental illness and family, and our feelings about the rabbis, and how Rabbi Rosenfeld had been an excellent, brilliant teacher, andKayla was sorry she missed it, and now I am also. We spoke about humanism that is humanistic Judaism, and I love Reconstructionist Judaism, and I discussed Virginia where I sampled several Jewish places as there were a pletora of them, and apparently family of one of the dinner guests had been involved with humanistic Judaism, and did we know a couple fo people who were exploring this? I discussed "functional blindness" as opposed to statutory blindness and Max and Kaylad had never heard that, nor the statistics about unemployment, where someone might work with Department of Labor that the dinner guests knew. Dinner was delicious, asparagus, turkey (dark meat that Sandy, Kayla and I all like, sweet potatoes (some which have marshmallows) and mashed potatoes, stuffing gravy, greens with candied pecans and pomegranate for the greens, sweet potato rolls, cookies and pumpkin pie. We spoke about dogs, what Johnny Ellis had credited me with about an accessible web newsletter because of what I, as his constituent helped to give education about with him, about AmeriCorps and my husband was upset about what I was making, about how it was a win-win in Virginia with my program analyst job, good money, and seeing my parents when mom was going downhill. Max asked about her and I mentioned dementia, and Kayla said new protocols or medicine was coming out to help. I said I was more spiritual because politics had become so polarized and people could not communicate. We had no idea it was 8:30 by the time we were leaving. It will be 20 years that I have been in Alaska Tuesday, Decdember 27, 2011. Kayla could hardly believe that. Sandy spoke about how good a public speaker I am, because Senator Meyer said how impressed he was by my speech on Martin Luther King Jr., day in 2008. I said that the Anchorage Daily News said the dais or stage was so diverse there was a dog guide on there, and how I was "one of the most electrifying speakers of the day." I said how Lisa Murkowski had recognized me at a grants workshop, and so did Senator Begich, but I am tired now, and want to do more meditation, and go into the background. I'll still try to educate about accessibility with PDF documents, websites, etc., but someone said that maybe it is time for me to have my own business this evening. I would love to earn money that way. Max had been surprised that I worked for the Navy in 2008. I said I wrote a promotional piece for the VA about the Christmas or holiday concert by Bartlett High School, and used the word "mellifluous" and one of my coworkers did not know what it meant, and others did not either. I said how dad had been great about helping me to public speak, and how he brought mom home every day. My husband said he is a wonderful man. The "Wizard of Oz" I saw the end of still makes me cry when the animals get their heart, brain and courage. Our hosts had seen "Hugo" and liked it also. I felt as if I spoke too much, but I do have knowledge, and I am still smart, and as I said Sandy was upset about AmeriCorps paying me so little, but it is a national service. Well, fans, this is a longer post than usual. As I said, we spoke about health and physical therapy, doctors, my orthotics, and thanked the host for giving me the foot and ankle doctor. Koraling Lynne

very interesting reflections waking up

I awakened and the feeling of a dream was with me but just the remnants of the fact that I had one. I was thinking of Cris Williamson's album "the Changer and the Changed" a great album where she sang "child of God" and the chorus: "Filling up and spilling over, it's an endless waterfall" and the weather person on KTUU here in Anchorage was speaking about ice and water density and the molecules, and I thought of our body being water. Then I wrote a poem in my head, which went something like this: or it's a song: when the time is right the bird will fly, in fourths and fifths like a refrain, Being stuck on the ground and tethered on the ground, Now I lift or move without a sound, As I am beginning to soar, I gain speed and confidence, I fly even more, The wind pushes me through the solar system and the galaxy. Koraling Lynne

the body electric or physical

Yesterday, I felt really good after going to the foot doctor who said the ligaments in my foot (we have more bones in our foot and wrist than anywhere in our body) and the bones in our foot are being strained and inflamed. He also shaved some warts. Anyway, then to the physical therapist and I am thinking differently about balance and stature and posture. It is not easy. I was falling asleep, even though I received enough sleep. I don't get it. Koraling Lynne

Sweet Dreams

I only got three hours of sleep last night. I vowed to stay up until around 9:00 so I would not awaken too early. The chiropractor worked on me, and that was good, but then I felt so rotten, I was upset. Here we go. I'm going to stop for now, relax for a few minutes and go to bed. Meditation is a great elixir. I did take a homeopathic, and the homeopathics arrived today and my appointment was Friday. I took nox vomica which calmed down my nausea and neck a little. Koraling Lynne Last night Tuesday I also just got three hours of sleep, but Monday night slept well.

Sweet Dreams

For the last two days, not as tired. I awakened after 9:00. But after this, I am going to bed. I just crashed. Lately, I just plummet and I cannot keep my eyes open. Since I have to awaken early, I'd better go to bed now. Koraling Lynne

Turning Points

Higher Balance changed its site for members. It is wordpress, and I cannot figure out how to introduce a new post and send it jus tlike the inforenegades I tried to send one or two messages, and found it too frustrating. Their old site is still active. In the class Friday, we were working on healing our bodies by noticing and feeling with our energy centers the blood vessels, bones and lymphatic system. We develop patterns in thought, emotions, and bodily position that we think are normal, but they are not. I told Ron, the homeopath about this, but I had a revelation that pain is a block in the body just like emotions blocks and intellectual blocks, where we have thoughts that perseverate or panic or whatever we think will occur. The instructor online said we should see the color, the shape, the weight or size, or the problem, and keep reducing it or change our thought about it. I discussed it with the chiropractor also. I felt as if a turning point was on the horizon, just on the precipice of one. Hmm. Koraling Lynne

Any dreams left?

I had a dream with babies or I was taking care of a baby and I love babies. Probably, because there were two toddlers there at the party yesterday. I had to get home to it or I'd left it or something. Very strange. Babies have a special appeal. They are so vulnerable and wonderful. At some places, volunteers rock babies. Wow. Koraling Lynne

movie recommendation

Last Tuesday on December 13 2011 we saw a great movie, after I had an unexpected interview I found out about on December 12 at 8:00 in the morning with Fish and Wildlife. Hugo was a movie that my brother recommended. It was about silent movies and the early imagination of movie making. A boy had an automaton that the innovator designed which was really a robot. He said that everything had purpose, and thought that the machine which had purpose and humans had purpose would give him a message if he fixed it after his father died in a museum fire. He gave the movie maker and his wife their vitality, life, livelihood and hope back after the disappointment of people's imaginations had been dashed by the flames going out of war and dstruction of their hopes and dreams. Everyone needs hopes and dreams, and everyone wants to imagine a future which is adventurous, where they can grow and explore, and where they can give their talents to it. What a great movie. Koraling Lynne

Our muscles remember

Our muscles have memory. I discussed this the other day at Advanced Physical Therapy (not an endorsement, but where my friend told me about it) and today at Community Chiropractic, and how we can be retrained. So, the biology of belief that Bruce Lipton titled his book is so true. We can help our muscles repair and remember what they should, and I asked the chiropractor about sleep, and when I have off as I do today, I am in a deeper sleep. It's glorious, and I actually feel rested. My serves aren't hurting as much. Koraling Lynne

diversity

We had a good meeting of the multicultural committee as I volunteered. I'm off tomorrow to the chiropractor and maybe, just maybe, I'll get some things done, I need to work on BITS and on the life coaching course. That is all for tonight. Koraling Lynne

communication

People don't seem to have courtesy any more. I don't mean politeness, and I do mean respect and dignity for all. We have more communication devices, and less communication. No one knows how to really listen and observe, and listen to the cadence of the speech, or not judge and not realize that we are all a beautiful mosaic and patterns of humanity. We all try to make it in this world. How can we not respect the whole of humanity? How can we be so self-motivated and selfish? People don't notice each other. They don't notice how isolated many blind people are. Koraling Lynne

Magic and artistic pursuits

I read a blog post on my Higher Balance site and the premise is taht writing is art because it is transformative, and may put one into a trance of sorts. When we become engrossed in a book, it can be magical. What about the word culture? Is the word "cult" part of culture? Is the word "spell" using words to invoke some state of mind? Magic is not just sleight of hand, is it? No, it is the language and the words and how powerful they can be. Spell is what the modern person uses for the configuration of symbols to form words, is it not? How do we choose the words we use? We use modern English, not the more German English of middle English or whatever Beowolf or those other very early books were written in, that we could not quite understand. I may have spelled Beowolf incorrectly. Nevertheless, I found the idea that art is magic and maybe magic is art, intriguing and quite interesting to reflect upon. Koraling Lynne

facing people

I was thinking that sighted people don't know how we know what people are thinking. So much is conveyed through the face. I won't know when to back off, because I hear the words and don't see the face, or I won't know if someone has a worried expression because I can't see them before I get angry or upset at them. I am very good, I always thought, about reading people, but I have thought people were angry or upset and maybe they were just teasing, because I could not see the corners of their mouths turn up. Dad and Sandy are sardonic at times, and I miss what they mean, or I tend to have pits in my stomach (not cherry pits) because I don't know if they mean what they say. We do have a vivid imagination. I am also referring to those who are, for all practical purposes, totally blind. We feel trapped and am inwardly focused and very self-reflective. Even if we could not see our reflection in a pool, the isolation that we often face gives us plenty of time to read and think and imagine. Yes, even though I have never seen, I imagine based on what I read or heard, since I have read a lot, and continue to try to keep my mind active. Any thoughts, anyone? Feeling someone's face has never worked, and leaves me squeamish. I know the words "frown" "smile" and always wonder if my face shows my real emotion, or if I am inscrutable? If someone sounds agry, I don't know if their face is relaxed, and I have no way to temper what I think or anything. I think music and meditation is something I relate to and understand. Koraling Lynne

Any dreams left?

I dreamed towards the morning that I forgot to go to the Veteran's Administration Healthcare System. I was late or something, and phoned my supervisor. I have no motivation to do anything these days. I am better from the cold, and that is good. I keep wanting things to get better. There are good things such as a friend phoning on Thursday night, which was very nice, even though I was already asleep. Saturday night I stay up for folk music. I have to schedule rides tomorrow, although since this blog seems to work on California time, it is probably Sunday already. I have to stop volunteering for things, and get on things I can do to take action, as my son says. For a short time, I could breathe better after the bad cold. I am a loving person, and want more out of life than I have now which is satisfying, and I wish I had more friends. Oh, well, if I had started this blog and took a time capsule back twenty years, what a different thing it would be. It seems like that, anyway. I want to work on the coaching DVD, work on PayPal for BITS and bills were paid Wednesday so I wrote the card number down, but nothing excites me. I do really like the people at the VA and what I am doing, if there is something I can think of to do, that is. Koraling Lynne