Friday, December 30, 2011

new year?

Another new year, with what? I want to write goals, and hope to make things better for me and others. But, making things better for others means coming to grips with disappointments in my own life. I wrote an article about my 20 years in Alaska yesterday. Is it solitude or isolation? I never thought of it that way before. I am a social person. I have had doors shut on me, even though when I moved here, I wrote a poem about something like going upstairs and seeing light and the door opening. That idea of who I was and I could be was empowering in 1991 when I felt connected, and on top of the world. And now, I am this haunted, strange person who does not know what to do, and isn't sure where I am headed. Today, things were a little strange, when it took forever to get to the chiropractor, and I never finished the nuts, but had cookies and some candy and hot cider, and then had to use the facilities, and had 30 seconds with the chiropractor. I let it go, and the bus took forever to get there, and then he was busy and I had to wait when I usually do not have to. I forgot to schedule a ride for an appointment I had on Wednesday. I got back for a class on the internet with Higher Balance. I just seem not to care about anything or anybody. I can have ideas, and let things go better, but is it hopelessness or letting go? I don't know. Solitude, solace, or isolation? Lonely or alone? These are interesting ways and perspectives taht are set before us like setting a table. The pall hangs over us like being lulled lured or overtaken by an undertow, and pushes us under, or like we are luring in a fish instead of being an observer and quiet and calm. I would love more connections, more love, friends, more possibilities next year. Am I still looking for approval and recognition? I saw someone at the VA that I had known from peer counseling. I knew his name sounded familiar. Earlier this week, at our Christmas dinner, I could not remember who Elvi Gray-Jackson ran against. Perspective is definitely interesting. I did remember that someone I had seen the name of in 1991 was a reader for me every week for bills and such. Well, enough for now. koraling Lynne

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